I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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