i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i out mim tonsoeep
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