I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
