I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
