I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
