I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
