Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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