I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
