I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
