Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize