It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
