It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
