I wish my penis had an off switch
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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