im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
