i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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