The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I need to calm my uterus...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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