Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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