My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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