After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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