Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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