So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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