you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
