Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
