Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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