Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
