Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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