Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
