Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
