She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
