Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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