Dude my mom stole all your condoms
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Sorry about my life...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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