I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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