my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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