Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
