my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
