I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
