True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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