I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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