If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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