Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
