I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
