can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
