I got chris browned last night
wanna go halves on a baby?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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