He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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