The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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