I wanna passion pit in your ass
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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