K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my phone needs a breathalizer
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
