Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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