i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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