I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I looked at my own cervix.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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