Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
