theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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