I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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