My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
