My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
