I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
