I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
