just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
