I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
