Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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