R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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